By Kirsty Greenshields
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. WHAT’S NOT BEING TALKED ABOUT?
Yesterday a dear friend asked me to comment on the domestic violence issue currently being profiled so strongly in the Australian media. So here I am, writing about it today. Firstly, why do I believe I have a voice to speak up about what’s not being talked about in the mainstream media?
1. I am human
2. I am a woman
3. I didn’t always feel safe growing up as a little girl
4. I took a stand in my marriage, when I feared for my child’s safety, and decided to powerfully change the cycle
5. I have helped many women powerfully change the cycle too.
I didn’t always feel safe growing up. There was yelling, emotional unavailability, and smacking. When my dad left – I was 10 years old – I chose to feel abandoned by him. After healing work, I now know I chose to believe I would therefore be abandoned by men I love, which resulted in me choosing emotionally unavailable men in relationship. This proved my belief to be true, and continued my reality cycle, of feeling ABANDONED and UNSAFE in the world.
Notice I use the language, “I chose” – it is confronting to think I would choose these decisions, isn’t it? But when I take responsibility for these choices, it gives me power to choose different beliefs for myself. I love my parents, and I know they love me. It was my beliefs about myself, and the world around me, which created my circumstances.
Several years ago, in the moment I saw my little girl pinned against a wall, as her daddy screamed at her – her eyes like dinner plates serving fear – I knew I had gone too far in perpetuating my cycle of belief. It wasn’t just me I now impacted. It was her, and the little being growing inside of me, which helped me take a stand and say “No more”. I did not run as I had when I felt scared in the past.
I MET THE DRAGON FACE TO FACE, SAW JUST AS MUCH FEAR IN HIS EYES AS MINE, AND TOOK BACK MY POWER.
It was a long road, but each step of the way, and with each stumble, I remembered WHY I was doing it. I WANT TO FEEL SAFE in the world. And I want those I love to feel safe. I want them to know the only way they will achieve this is to CREATE THE SAFETY for themselves.
Notice I said “Those I Love”, rather than ‘my children’. Yes. Because I include my partner in this desire. At the height of his anger, HE WAS IN PAIN.
*This is a point I want to make strongly, and one I wish for every person in our society to understand, because those who control the media understand it, and they use it to keep you afraid. But if you open your mind, and your heart, together we can help humanity heal*
When someone strikes out, they are in pain. They are fearful for their life, for their safety, and they have lost themselves. They FEEL lost and SMALL and they are DESPERATE.
The power comes when we see this, and we respond to this issue. Yes, I know you may feel resistance at this point, because of atrocities that have been recently committed, and that’s okay. Not everyone likes what I have to say.
One of my mentors, Caroline Myss, says “War – out there – exists because war exists inside of us”.
THE PERPETRATOR OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE FEELS JUST AS UNSAFE AS THE VICTIM OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.
That is why he/she lashes out – in FEAR. The difference between the triumphant survivor of this situation, and the one who continues to be caught in the cycle, is CHOICE.
The person who moves beyond the cycle no longer chooses to be a victim to people, circumstance and environment. This person chooses COMPASSION – first and foremost to the one who matters most (to oneself). This is a powerful act, which allows them to choose, at some point, to view the perpetrator with compassion. At this point, the person who was once the victim calls back his/her power, and sees the other person for the scared little child they are.
THIS IS WHERE LOVE IS CHOSEN OVER FEAR, AND THIS IS WHERE THE CYCLE BREAKS.
No, it’s not an easy road, but it’s an empowering one.
IT’S NOT OKAY for us as women to continue projecting our ideas of feeling unsafe in the world onto men. They don’t know how to feel safe in the world either! They keep being told their species is VIOLENT, that they are WRONG, and that they are not doing a good job of PROVIDING.
So a man tries! He sells his Soul to do a J.O.B. that he believes he SHOULD do, so he can get money to help those he loves feel safe in the world. But resentment builds – a wife feels ALONE and UNLOVED. The children feel ABANDONED by their dad because he is never present. The man feels HOPELESS so he WITHDRAWS even more. The result? No-one feels safe.
It’s time to STOP! Please. If you look into the world and feel anger or grief as you witness pain and suffering, ask yourself “How am I continuing to choose this in my own life?” How do I still choose to be a victim?
Do you love the person you choose as your partner? Do you want to be with them? If the answer is no, leave. And do it powerfully. Seek support from people who understand – people who want to EMPOWER – not people who reinforce your victimhood and powerlessness in the world.
If you’re not sure, stay until you decide to make a POWERFUL decision. And if you stay again, take back your power. Look the dragon in the eyes and see his pain and fear. It is here, at this moment, you will OPEN TO LOVE and choose a powerful way forward, for both of you.
If you haven’t already, download our free book “Living Resilient Relationships – How to Create Harmony and Better Understand Those You Love” at http://www.centreforresilientleadership.com.
In Love, Kirsty