MOST WOMEN BELIEVE WE WANT A MAN WHO IS OPEN-HEARTED.
We want a man who is romantic, who loves us and who shows us this love. We want a man who adores us and who is not afraid to tell us so. We want a man who is strong. A man who makes us feel protected and safe.
But the truth is, often, many of us don’t always know what this looks like for us … in a partner. Have you ever found yourself being conditional when it begins to impinge on the ‘reality’ of life?
When a man begins to follow his bliss and truly open his heart, we begin to get scared. All of a sudden we realize we are not the centre of his world, because he has discovered who he is really living for.
And if he is living for himself first and foremost, does that mean I must admit I am first and foremost in my life too?
That’s uncomfortable, because I forgot how to live for myself a long time ago. Now it’s about making everyone else happy and comfortable, sometimes even at my own expense.
THE TRUTH ABOUT VULNERABILITY
As he opens his heart he allows himself to be more vulnerable. This vulnerability does not make you feel so safe, because there is a level to which you are not prepared to be vulnerable yourself.
If he becomes vulnerable, that makes you vulnerable. And you don’t like that.
If I am not the centre of his world anymore, and he becomes more vulnerable, he is exploring more of his own feminine.
When he explores more of his feminine, his primary focus begins to shift from ‘making money’ and ‘competing’ in the world, to pursuing more of the things that make his heart sing. If you’ve been a relationship for a little while, this can be a little scary, can it not? Weren’t we taught that we need to make sure we can provide … a roof over our head … a good job … security … savings for a rainy day … a successful career … CERTAINTY?
If he’s not doing that, someone has to, because how will we survive? I’m going to have to do it! I need to take more responsibility on my shoulders, because if I don’t, I’m not sure I can trust we’ll receive what we need.
And I don’t want to be responsible for him when he falls in a heap because his heart’s purpose is too wishy-washy!
How can he do this?
Of course, I may not be speaking to you as a woman but chances are, if you’re reading this far, something has resonated with you.
EXPLORING THE FEMININE
So, what if I’m a woman who has built my relationship upon supporting this man and his needs, so he can look after and ‘provide’ for me? What if I have done this AND not taken time out to recognize my own contribution to the relationship? It becomes a little threatening when he begins to question this structure, and his choices.
It can begin to feel like my whole world is falling apart.
In reality, my world is just beginning to become a whole lot more truthful.
And truth can get scary. As a man starts to follow his heart, he may begin to appear a little lost – directionless.
The feminine creates a whole lot of space and nurturing, but it is the true masculine that creates direction.
LOOKING IN THE MIRROR
One of the greatest lessons I have learned is that my partner is my mirror. This is so because we have chosen to co-exist in an intimate relationship. Your partner is the direct reflection of the emotion in your life because you are connected at an emotional level.
So doesn’t it make sense that you will offer each other a reflection of what is going on in your own emotional body?
If my partner begins to follow his bliss, he begins to make decisions that no longer reflect me, or other external factors, as the most important thing for him. He no longer focuses on just providing financially, or saving for a rainy day, or climbing the corporate ladder.
Where does that leave me if I have been depending on him to do these things – if this has been ‘normal’ for us?
Where does it leave me if I have been relying on him to set the direction? If I have no real direction of my own?
If I’m prepared to go within I discover I have been externalizing my power – giving it to him to MAKE ME FEEL SAFE and secure. It is a perception coming from within.
When I go within I discover I am just as responsible to ‘make’ him feel safe, as he is to ‘make’ me feel safe. That is, neither of us has the power or responsibility to make the other feel anything. That is a choice.
But what if I open my heart and allow myself to feel more vulnerable with him?
What if I tell him I’m really scared because I have relied on him to fulfil certain ‘masculine’ roles all this time, and I don’t know what to do. I have given my power to him for so long I don’t know what to do because he is no longer providing it.
OVERCOMING THE ‘NEED’
If I am not prepared to go within I will ‘attack’ him. I will attempt to draw him back in so I can feel a little more powerful again.
It is at this point that communication is imperative. Both parties are responsible for their feelings, and it is important for them to continue to communicate.
HOW TO DO IT
1. Talk about it: Tell him you feel scared. Tell him you don’t have a reference point for this. You have discovered that, even though you ‘think’ men should be a certain way, you have a deep seated belief that he should be a ‘provider’, he should ‘make you feel safe’, he should be successful in his career … (insert other ‘shoulds’ here!)
2. Allow him to express how he is feeling. He may not have done it adequately for some time.
3. Allow him the space to grieve. If he wants to stay in bed all day, don’t try to stop him. But also be clear, through your own actions and voice, that it’s not okay with you that this becomes the ‘norm’.
4. The most important ‘how to’ is to help him feel safe in his exploration. The feminine is nurturing and compassionate. This is a fine balance, but when you allow yourself to take responsibility for your own feelings, you will find you get better at this.
He wants to know you don’t think he is weak. He wants to not feel ashamed for ‘falling in a heap’. He wants to feel supported and heard.
Don’t we all want this?
THE MIRROR AND COMPASSION
When you use your partner as a mirror, you will allow yourself to be vulnerable and you will both create healing, as individuals and as a partnership
When you use your partner as a mirror, you will allow yourself to be more compassionate, because you’re recognising you are seeing yourself as you look at this person you love. And it’s not fair to beat yourself up, is it?
FOLLOWING THE BLISS AND OPENING WIDER
As you provide space, and connect with your masculine, you PROVIDE the safety and nurturing he needs to stand his ground, and continue to follow his bliss.
And so the cycle of leadership continues. It begins a beautiful process of walking side-by-side, taking turns at leading, each finding balance in the masculine and feminine – within and without.
As we flip the mirror so he is now staring through the looking glass, he receives this reflection in his external world as a result of a belief that he can’t have what he wants. At this point another choice exists.
It is only when both partners take responsibility for their part in the relationship, that the bonds of ‘need’ begin to dissolve, and the suffering ceases.
As we each take responsibility our love opens to new depths, and we discover the truth – I truly do want a man with an open heart.
Embodying The Sacred Feminine Warrior allows you to gain the strength you require to assist your man open his heart a little more. It takes courage and persistence to be in this level of open relationship with a man.